Skinny Waist & Fat Wallet: Devin rants about the negative correlation between two of his ongoing goals. 

Two things I continually strive for are a skinny waist and fat wallet. And here is the great irony: all of my favorite restaurants have exactly the opposite goal for me: a fat waist and skinny wallet! What’s up with that!? And the two have a direct, negative correlation, at least when you love food as much as me, and I think you do. Let me first give you a little Devin-diet insight, and then I will state my dilemma. 

I was going to use the classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde analogy for my two opposing mindsets as it relates to food, but that’s a little old school. To somewhat freshen up my approach, I will be using Gollum and Sméagol as my example(s). Besides, I’m sort of addicted to The Lord of the Rings saga right now (minus ‘The Hobbit,’ which put me to sleep, but that’s beside the point.).

The less than healthy “Gollum” in me breaks food into these four food groups. They are precious to me.

1. Mexican (straight-up Tex Mex, thank you. None of that authentic stuff, it’s just not what we do. I live in the Midwest, not the Southwest. Moreover, I live in Johnson County, where “fake-ness” is practically a virtue and for sure a way of life).

2. BBQ (now in Kansas City, this is one area in which we are not fake. We know barbecue. Go Z-Man! Sorry, inside joke. Actually, not really a joke…more like…inside knowledge).

3. Pizza (I’ll get back to you on my pizza preferences once I’ve actually tried New York deep dish and genuine Chicago style. Little Caesars and Papa Johns are doing it for me now, but thankfully I don’t know what I’m missing…yet).

4. Last but not least…good ol’ American Burgers and Fries (best served up in my parents’ backyard).

*footnote: all of the above meals tend to be of a gi-normous portion size and is each supplemented with pop and chocolate ice cream with cookie dough mixed in. And by the way, if I was allowed a fifth food group, it would most definitely be donuts. 

On the flipside, my inner “Sméagol” exhibits a healthier dietetic view, which more closely resembles the traditional food pyramid (with a few Devin edits, of course, such as less carbs, more protein and lopping off the tip-top of the pyramid which contains the legal, addictive drug we refer to as “sugar”). This not only helps fight to keep my waist skinny, but also happens to agree with my “Dave Ramsey” plan for Financial Peace (yes, I am a proud graduate of the respective University, which has dramatically and positively impacted my view of money and my life). I say this because when I choose to eat healthy, I tend to eat ‘in’ more, which is a good means to maintaining a fat wallet.

Now, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, I will share how this skinny waist / fat wallet desire has created other problems for me. And isn’t that mostly true… that one solution just leads to more problems? 

For instance, as good as a fat wallet is, it makes my butt look fat. Oops, sorry, supposed to get in the habit of saying “booty” because of the kids (gotta love fatherhood!). Worse yet, a fat wallet in my hip pocket makes my bu…booty appear majorly lopsided. Also, I have heard from multiple unreliable sources that sitting with a wallet in my back pocket can throw my back out of alignment over time. So that’s why I walk in circles! I wish someone would’ve told me this a long time ago! And thus we have uncovered the great chiropractic scam: crack some bones, take their money, thus making their wallet skinnier, which will stop putting their back out of alignment, and viola! Appears to be a miracle worker! No sir (and no ma’am, to be politically correct), can’t carry a fat wallet in the back pocket. What to do…?

What about carrying my wallet in my front pocket? After all, as a student of pickpocketing (for entertainment purposes, of course), I have learned that the wallet is better safeguarded from true street thieves in the front pocket. However, a fat wallet in the front pocket also looks very strange… too strange. And though it may not put my back all out of whack, it is still uncomfortable. Hmm… so, what now?

I know! How about carrying plastic? Oh, wait… Dave Ramsey wouldn’t approve. Cash is better, because it hurts more to spend it, thus making me less likely to give it away. Cash is also a much better negotiating tool than plastic. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you really need to go through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. Just find a church near you — they are probably offering the course. And if you’re still stuck on who Gollum and Sméagol are, do yourself a favor and watch The Lord of the Rings. But feel free to skip The Hobbit… it was an afterthought anyway (as far as Hollywood was concerned, not Tolkien).

Geez! What a rant I’m on! Gosh, get distracted much? Look at me, A.D.D. boy, I’m afraid to even go back and read what I’ve written. But gosh it feels good just to get it all out there. But I definitely wouldn’t get a date posting something like this online. It’s not eHarmony material, I’m ‘fraid. Good thing I’m married. I’m out of the game. My poor wife. Sorry Lynnie (but not really, haha!).

Anyway, back to the problem at hand. Obviously I’m running in circles and running out of solutions. I guess I should invent some kind of fashionable bag to carry my cash in. Yes! And it would have straps that go over your shoulder for easy carrying. A person could even put other things in there, like car keys and chapstick…wait…that’s a purse. I just can’t win.