A Song for My Daughters
As expected, our lovely girls keep talking.
They recently graced us with these gems...
• Are the lions at the zoo notarized?
• The problem with you guys is you never give us enough ice cream. Even though I can never get enough ice cream.
• Why do we repeat the worship songs so many times? Hasn't God gotten enough glory?
• I don't really like Porta potty's, but the smell somehow kind of smells good.
• Mommy, I want to marry someone like Dad.
• I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I have a good voice, I don't just wanna waste it in meetings.
• Sometimes I see 2 butterflies attached to each other.
• This tea tastes like rotten pee.
• If we didn't have ears, could we hear our own thoughts?
• Daddy, is it ok if Grandma and Grandpa see your p****?
• Dad you have a teency head.
• We can't say "Oh my D-O-G."
• Are there any black gum balls in this world?
• Siamese Twins are creepy. The Siamese cats are even creepier. But normal twins are okay I guess.
• Daddy when I grow up I want to be a magic show girl just like you.
• Daddy, I love you because your name is "Henderson."
• Charlotte said not to say "stupid" so I'm trying my best.
• Mom, you're welcome to be in our family if you be nice.
• Daddy I'm going to punch you in the peanut.
• Daddy, how was your day?
• Daddy, you're the best daddy in the whole wide world.
• Elsie's just a stupid baby that came from Mommy's tummy.
• Dada (first words)
That's right! We're pregnant with number... 4... I think. And as usual Lynn gags every time she changes a diaper or thinks of Hamburger Helper. Now that I've been around the block a time or two with first trimesters, I have some wisdom to pass along to you men who are lucky enough to not have learned such things as of yet.
These are the top 10 things you never say to a wife with morning sickness...
10. How ya feeling honey?
9. What's for breakfast? What's for lunch? What's for dinner?
8. Say cheese!
7. I had a rough day.
6. What do you weigh today, babe?
5. But your best friend ate well and stayed in shape while she was pregnant.
4. It's Tuesday and the kids are in bed (wink wink).
3. All the other women I talk to say they never get morning sickness.
2. You know, we'll save like $750 bucks if you don't get an epidural.
1. You're eating another Chalupa!?
Forgive a father, but it’s time again to share the darndest things my daughters have been saying lately. Claire is six and Charlie is three. Cambry is one and talks a lot, but we don’t comprehend most of it. When they make off the wall remarks, I record them in a journal because they’re too precious to forget. These comments speak for themselves…
-(Claire 6) Daddy, you’ll always be in my heart.
-(Claire 6) Daddy, you married the right girl so I could be your daughter. I’m so glad you're my daddy.
-(Claire 6) I see why mommy married you. Mommy picked the perfect person.
-(Claire 6) Daddy, you make me feel safe.
-(Charlie 3) Mommy, you’re the best cooker, and Daddy, you're the best magic show boy.
-(Claire 6) It’s cool how men go pee-pee.
-(Claire 6) (My wife made some tan colored play-dough and some spilled on the driveway)…Dad, if you ask me if that’s bird diarrhea, it’s not.
-(Charlie 3) (Me) Charlie, what have you been doing? (Charlie) I was pooping.
-(Charlie 3) Ew! You got some on me! (Claire sneezed on her)
-(Charlie 3) Remember when I pooped in the bathtub? That was hilarious…I mean, disgusting.
-(Claire 6) Mommy, when you ask Jesus into your heart, do you have to cry?
-(Claire 6) Today I became a Christian, and I’m gonna be bath-tized.
-(Claire 6) One time I drew a picture for God and I think He took it because I don’t know where it is.
-(Charlie 3) Dad, I’m sorry I lied at you.
-(Charlie 3) Is Jesus the Lord?
-(Claire 6) I like when lifeguards wear sunglasses…it just makes them look more like lifeguards.
-(Claire 6) I’m gonna stay up all night, and if I get hungry, eat that leftover taco.
-(Claire 6) Any words for the last!? (Instead of “Any last words?”)
-(Claire 6) (Me) Claire, do you like playing soccer? (Claire) No, I like playing games and being lazy.
-(Charlie 3) I’m excited to dream again.
-(Claire 6) That cloud looks like an elf shoe with a bunch of people in it, or it just looks like an elf shoe.
-(Claire 6) I see a duck…like a mean clown duck.
-(Claire 6) I want to be a magician when I grow up.
-(Claire 6) Sticks are wonderful.
-(Claire 6) Daddy, if you could see through things, you wouldn't see anything.
-(Charlie 3) What will I look like when I grow up?
-(Claire 6) Hey Charlie, let’s play pretend. Pretend like I’m your mom and your dad’s dead but I haven’t told you yet. But when I do tell you, you’re happy ‘cause you don’t like dads.
-(Charlie 3) Daddy, come here so I can read you this book before I hit you.
Skinny Waist & Fat Wallet: Devin rants about the negative correlation between two of his ongoing goals.
Two things I continually strive for are a skinny waist and fat wallet. And here is the great irony: all of my favorite restaurants have exactly the opposite goal for me: a fat waist and skinny wallet! What's up with that!? And the two have a direct, negative correlation, at least when you love food as much as me, and I think you do. Let me first give you a little Devin-diet insight, and then I will state my dilemma.
I was going to use the classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde analogy for my two opposing mindsets as it relates to food, but that's a little old school. To somewhat freshen up my approach, I will be using Gollum and Sméagol as my example(s). Besides, I'm sort of addicted to The Lord of the Rings saga right now (minus 'The Hobbit,' which put me to sleep, but that's beside the point.).
The less than healthy "Gollum" in me breaks food into these four food groups. They are precious to me.
1. Mexican (straight-up Tex Mex, thank you. None of that authentic stuff, it's just not what we do. I live in the Midwest, not the Southwest. Moreover, I live in Johnson County, where "fake-ness" is practically a virtue and for sure a way of life).
2. BBQ (now in Kansas City, this is one area in which we are not fake. We know barbecue. Go Z-Man! Sorry, inside joke. Actually, not really a joke...more like...inside knowledge).
3. Pizza (I'll get back to you on my pizza preferences once I've actually tried New York deep dish and genuine Chicago style. Little Caesars and Papa Johns are doing it for me now, but thankfully I don't know what I'm missing...yet).
4. Last but not least...good ol’ American Burgers and Fries (best served up in my parents' backyard).
*footnote: all of the above meals tend to be of a gi-normous portion size and is each supplemented with pop and chocolate ice cream with cookie dough mixed in. And by the way, if I was allowed a fifth food group, it would most definitely be donuts.
On the flipside, my inner "Sméagol" exhibits a healthier dietetic view, which more closely resembles the traditional food pyramid (with a few Devin edits, of course, such as less carbs, more protein and lopping off the tip-top of the pyramid which contains the legal, addictive drug we refer to as "sugar"). This not only helps fight to keep my waist skinny, but also happens to agree with my "Dave Ramsey" plan for Financial Peace (yes, I am a proud graduate of the respective University, which has dramatically and positively impacted my view of money and my life). I say this because when I choose to eat healthy, I tend to eat 'in' more, which is a good means to maintaining a fat wallet.
Now, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, I will share how this skinny waist / fat wallet desire has created other problems for me. And isn't that mostly true... that one solution just leads to more problems?
For instance, as good as a fat wallet is, it makes my butt look fat. Oops, sorry, supposed to get in the habit of saying "booty" because of the kids (gotta love fatherhood!). Worse yet, a fat wallet in my hip pocket makes my bu...booty appear majorly lopsided. Also, I have heard from multiple unreliable sources that sitting with a wallet in my back pocket can throw my back out of alignment over time. So that's why I walk in circles! I wish someone would've told me this a long time ago! And thus we have uncovered the great chiropractic scam: crack some bones, take their money, thus making their wallet skinnier, which will stop putting their back out of alignment, and viola! Appears to be a miracle worker! No sir (and no ma'am, to be politically correct), can't carry a fat wallet in the back pocket. What to do...?
What about carrying my wallet in my front pocket? After all, as a student of pickpocketing (for entertainment purposes, of course), I have learned that the wallet is better safeguarded from true street thieves in the front pocket. However, a fat wallet in the front pocket also looks very strange... too strange. And though it may not put my back all out of whack, it is still uncomfortable. Hmm... so, what now?
I know! How about carrying plastic? Oh, wait... Dave Ramsey wouldn't approve. Cash is better, because it hurts more to spend it, thus making me less likely to give it away. Cash is also a much better negotiating tool than plastic. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you really need to go through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. Just find a church near you -- they are probably offering the course. And if you're still stuck on who Gollum and Sméagol are, do yourself a favor and watch The Lord of the Rings. But feel free to skip The Hobbit... it was an afterthought anyway (as far as Hollywood was concerned, not Tolkien).
Geez! What a rant I'm on! Gosh, get distracted much? Look at me, A.D.D. boy, I'm afraid to even go back and read what I've written. But gosh it feels good just to get it all out there. But I definitely wouldn't get a date posting something like this online. It's not eHarmony material, I'm 'fraid. Good thing I'm married. I'm out of the game. My poor wife. Sorry Lynnie (but not really, haha!).
Anyway, back to the problem at hand. Obviously I'm running in circles and running out of solutions. I guess I should invent some kind of fashionable bag to carry my cash in. Yes! And it would have straps that go over your shoulder for easy carrying. A person could even put other things in there, like car keys and chapstick...wait...that's a purse. I just can't win.
You know you’re a parent of 3 little girls when your bucket list looks something like this:
• Brush my freakin’ teeth.
• Go to the bathroom when I need to, and possibly get some reading in while I’m at it.
• Spend an evening in silence, doing absolutely nothing.
• Have an unstained carpet.
• Get at least a good 4 to 5 hours of sleep every night.
• Be myself, rather than always pretending like I’m someone else (a prince, the Big Bad Wolf, etc.)
• Make a pb & j sandwich and eat the whole thing all by myself.
• Watch a PG movie for once without having to constantly fast forward through parts with filthy language such as “dumbhead” and “stupid.”
• Run without having to push a double-jogger stroller.
• Buy all my groceries in just one visit to the grocery store.
• Stop being reminded every day how my teeth aren’t perfectly white, I have bad morning breath, my face isn’t perfectly smooth, and that I have lots of nose hairs.
• Walk through the house without 60 lbs weighing down one leg and 35 lbs weighing down the other (my girls think I’m an amusement park ride).
• Back out of my driveway without first having to play the Fisher-Price version of “52-pick-up.”
• Stay logged into my computer and leave the room without fearing that upon my return, every file will be forever lost thanks to some little, grubby, keyboard-happy fingers.
• Take a shower without someone turning the lights out.
• To not have to constantly explain and defend everything I am doing, such as dumping the trash, shaving and putting on deodorant.
• To not always be missing my car keys and one shoe.
• To see what a king-size Temper-Pedic feels like with only two people in it. Maybe the TV ads are right…maybe they ARE comfy! But how would I know?
• To stop treating rest stops along Kansas highways as main attractions.
• To get these theme songs forever out of my head: Elmo, Backyardigans, Wonder Pets, Max and Ruby, Phineas and Ferb, and Dora the Explorer.
If you think I’m complaining, I’m not. I love being a father, and I know one day I will miss all of these things like crazy and I am so thankful my life is the way it is.
And by the way, if you think my list is bad, you should see my wife’s!